Yesterday was my birthday…. a higher number than I am ready to fully admit. I had a difficult week leading up to this birthday. I was feeling…. well actually, I was depressed. I cried 3 mornings, one day I cried most of the day. Nothing truly prompted many of these cry events. Once I was just having my morning coffee, just watching I Love Lucy! Tears came rolling for no clear reason.
Sure, I realized that being sort of lonely & unemployed enhanced that depressed feeling. I have been worrying about Jon being out in the sea, missing home, missing holidays, and risking his safety/health. I have had very distressing news from home that made me want to ball up in a corner and hide. Furthering the blow, is having tons of friends contact me to tell me they are pregnant (some on their second), engaged, just got married, etc etc. While I am honestly very happy for them, the added sadness of knowing that I am missing out on being apart of these big life events for them (and others I am currently missing) wore heavily on my heart. There is also that nagging, ugly feeling that as I hear about all their life accomplishments – I am reminded I haven’t reached so many of the goals I had planned for in my own life. Do I have this little to show for all this time walking on the planet? Now where does my life go? What do I have to offer? Why am I so OLD now?!
Not only all of that…. But I was angry that I was feeling so sorry for myself. Who wants to be a bummed out Charlie Brown? No one, not even Charlie Brown! I knew it does no good to be that way, but there are friends and family, and strangers alike all suffering in ways far worse than I am. What a jerk I am!
All of that melted together to offer me one big glob of negative funk, which lasted about 5 days.
However, there was something else. Yes, some other haunt I wasn’t expecting, which prompted me to the tears ….. and that was the wild hair.
One day morning, while relaxing in the bath trying to get a hold of my wacky emotions, I happened to notice a hair. A hair which I have never had any other day in my life. A hair which was not there the day before. A hair that isn’t like any of the other hairs on my body.
You know what I mean; it isn’t fine nor smooth, it isn’t blending with your skin tone nor hair color — AND in fact, It is no where near where any other hair grows! It is that kinky, course, short, yet wild hair out on its own. The hair that reminds you…. You are getting old, and this is how you body first begins to mock you.
I freaked out in the tub – water splashing everywhere as I try to figure out “WWHHYYY???!!!” I couldn’t believe it. I was disgusted. I reached for the tweezers and yanked that bad boy clear out.
Ohh!! Oooohhh, no, no, no – that was not the end! Just as I began to try to calm and relax myself again – Lo and Behold! Another wild hair! This one was on an even worse and more delicate spot than the last! Again, thrashing about, and yanking it out (most painfully) I ended my bath. I gave up on calming my nerves. I immediately looked for wrinkles on my face, and grey hairs on my head….and then just flopped back into bed and cried.
While I cried I was reminded (again) that I am in control of nothing: not time, not my body, not the world around me. This is a completely awful thing to be reminded of – and yet, its good thing too. I may not be in control of things, and nothing in life will ever be just how anyone wants them to be. Still, pluck out the things/people/fears you can and make room for then enjoyment of even the little positive moments. As for the rest, let it go.
A few hours later, I gathered myself and began to perk myself up little by little. Within 24 hours I was back to my regular (at least not completely depressed and pathetic) self!
While I spent my birthday alone, I enjoyed the Charleston Christmas Parade, bought myself a delicious cupcake, talked with Jon on the phone often, and in the evening Monkey and I took a 2 hour walk downtown to look at all the Christmas lights on houses and in parks. It was a very lovely day indeed.
These wild hairs reminded me of some important things I have read before:
“The mountains of today were the oceans of yesterday and will be oceans tomorrow. Everything is in a state of flux; the whole universe is a mass of change.
But there is One who never changes, and that is God.” ~ Swami Vivekananda
“Don’t worry about anything; instead, pray about everything. Tell God what you need, and thank him for all he has done.” ~ Philippians 4:6