Bad Fecking Dog!

So…. that’s pretty much it.  The only addition would be the back story on this — which is….

A couple nights ago, I was invited to join some people in carving/decorating pumpkins.  I left the house about 4pm and I returned about 9:30pm.  I had been home all day and  Monkey and I went on a long walk before I left.

When I returned home, in the dark, I went into the bedroom and while feeling for the light switch, I felt I was walking on clothing. Obviously this was odd to me.  I cut on the light and saw someone had turned over the laundry basket, and ransacked it…. then ROLLED around in the dirty clothes and towels.

“Oh! Moonnkeeyy!!”, I said disappointingly – then I cleaned up the mess.  While turning over the laundry was a new event, Monkey has always had a penchant for rolling in dirty or wet laundry – OR fresh from the dryer clean, hot laundry.  I just chalked this laundry event as Monks acting out a little bit from being annoyed Jon is gone, and I left him alone in the evening.

I learned yesterday that there was more to this…. much more.  

About 3pm yesterday, Monkey and I took our daily long walk about town.  We hadn’t gotten too far in our walk, when Monkey stopped in his favorite spot to poop just a few houses down from ours.  He did his business, I cleaned up, and we headed back down the sidewalk.  We walked a couple blocks, and suddenly he just stopped in his tracks, and did the ol’ dog poop hunchback stance. Coincidentally, this was a lovely day – people out walking, jogging, biking, and traffic beginning for those getting out of school or work.

I say, “No Monkey! Hold on, there is some grass over there!!”  But it was too late…. he had no choice, and couldn’t move. As I gather the extra “poop bag” I notice something is very wrong.

Let me paint the scene for you –  Monkey is hunched over grunting like an old man in this emergency poop.  Plenty of people passing by.  He is doing so in the midst of the sidewalk. I am trying to explain to a dog why this is not a good place to poop.  Then, noticing something is not right – I am now bent over investigating what it is that is coming out of the dog’s rear end. I can imagine the the look on my face would have been something to describe as well.

This long, thick, pink, ribbon-like thing is exiting my dog, almost artfully wrapped around a long dog poo. And it keeps coming out…. Thinking many worried thoughts – (Is this blood? Is this his innards?) I suddenly make out the word “Secret”. It is then I realized a pair of my nice, pink, Victoria’s Secret thong panties is making its way out of my dogs butt.  As he continues to poop — I realize that this is a complete pair of underwear, and he obviously ate them in his laundry ransacking of the evening before.

I begin cleaning this up from the sidewalk — which is a little more difficult when there is a full pair of underwear wrapped in poo, oddly enough. I was also now gagging and expressing my disgust. As I am going through all of this, a wise ass college kid drives by, and believes this is a great time to honk, whistle, and yell out the car window, “Hey Girl! Nice Drawers!”

We get back home and I immediately go into the laundry basket to investigate.  As I feared, there was not one pair of undies in the bin…. which means there is at least one more pair inside the dog. Perhaps two!

Well – I got a bit nervous, but mostly perplexed. This is NEVER, EVER, NEVER something Monkey has done before. Even as a puppy he wasn’t into the underwear chewing – but EATING THEM WHOLE!  Surely not!  Monkey is  food crazed, and an inappropriate & random pillow/leg humper. He is not (well has never been) a chewer or article destroyer.  How or why does a 9.5 year old Epileptic dog decide, “Tonight, I shall swallow underwear!”

Perhaps,  “Jon’s gone to sea, huh?! Sarah takes a few hours with friends, aye?!!  Well…. take this, you a$$hole humans of mine!”  No, no Monkey — this could KILL you!  You aren’t proving anything to us!

This morning, promptly at 7am, I am awaken by the whining of Monkey along the side of the bed. Every morning, Monkey whines to get on the bed, rolls around and kisses us, then in a few moments wants to go outside.  It is the regular routine.  THIS morning, however, he did his whining, I let him on the bed, he gave me a couple licks, rolled around on his back – THEN jumped up and began heaving.  I get him off the bed, and try to get him to run outside — but there wasn’t enough time.

He barfed. Badly. Several times. A great deal of it as well. The final one, I noticed him choking and gasping for air.  I see again this vomit covered ribbon from his mouth…. Thong!  I didn’t want to yank it out of his mouth, so I tried to help him cough it up on his own.  He was struggling more (and in fact this was a very scary bit for me) and wasn’t really breathing and began flipping out a little as a result.  I knew I had to make a quick choice…. either I pull it out and risk killing him, or watch him choke to death.

So kneeling in his vomit, I say “God, help me!” and I grab on to the bile covered underwear and try leading it out of his mouth….. it wasn’t coming and I needed to pull.  I pulled hard enough that when it eventually flew out of his throat, the wet elastic sprang out and slapped me in the leg.  I thought I had pulled his stomach out and screamed…. plus it was gross.

I look at him, he hacks once more – then starts dancing around like “Hooray! Let’s go have treats now!!”

I was trying to gather myself, realize he was ok and there were my regurgitated blue thongs in my hand, not his intestines. It was then I realized I was covered in dog vomit.

I snap to and run out of the room totally grossed out…. and then begin the clean up process. In doing so, Monkey decides, “I want food! I don’t want to wait for you to clean up to get some biscuits   Let me in here!!”,  and he knocks me over trying to eat his own puke before I can clean too much of it up.  Maybe he thought he was just helping, I don’t know… but I do know I was once again on the floor with dog vom on me.

It was quite an eventful morning…. I hope this disaster has come to an end!!

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